Transition

Transitioning is hard. Justin has made a choice for him, and I'm not sure where that leaves me. Why couldn't he have just moved to Seattle? But then again I wouldn't unmeet him. But being left is hard, even when you're told none of it is your fault.

I've talked about it a lot. And I'm not sure if I should sit around and feel bad for myself, or if I should just get on with my life. We were not even together for a full two months. But it was the best seven weeks of my life, or near enough to that there is no difference.

Jimbo is flirting with me again. I am fucking surrounded by 'J' names. And there is a part of me that is excited, that would not mind if something happened there. But there is another part of me that really wants Justin to tell me he fucked up.

I feel sick. I don't want to eat, and it is hard to sleep. My mind keeps taking me back to things that cannot make me happy right now. The memory of his smile, how soft his skin is, and how happy I was with him.

I hope that Jim understands that I'm more then a bit broken right now.

Justin

I hate that I cannot stop seeing your perfect smile

Please - Justin

Into whose arms do you turn when the arms you want are the arms that hurt?
What do you do when the lips you long for are the lips that rejected you?
And what do you look upon when the smile you adore will not turn your way?

How do I live without you?
How do I smile?
How do I speak?
How do I breath?

Was it all only a lie?
That perfect look in your eyes?
The way you touched me?
Kissed me?
Was it all in my mind?

Don't turn away.
Come back and take it back.
Tell me that we're both fools.
Tell me we'll make it work.
Don't turn away.

Please . . .

poetry - Justin

It's so silly
I should be able to fight off this compulsion
But how can I even want to think of that possibility?
Light cinnamon and nearly silky soft
smelling of that faint musk
that ever present masculine scent
and tasting like nothing I can name,
your skin taunts me.
It calls to my lips,
a siren's irresistible song.
And there you lay looking at me,
your eyes wide with seemingly honest innocence.
Again I should be able to resist,
but I cannot find it in me to do aught but desire.

Justin

It is odd to me that we fit so well together, and then that there are somethings that are so different. Not in a bad way, just different. Justin likes to joke and tease, but he takes himself very seriously. He was telling me that he is the only one who cleans the dogs and plays with them and I said, "Such a good boy." He replied, "Don't patronize me, I'll just hang up the phone." I didn't mean to put him down with my joke, it's one of the ways I show affection sometimes, the passing back and forth of such jokes. But I've noticed that Justin takes himself very seriously, and I believe that it is just that quality that endears him to me so much in many ways. It's something that I think I can gladly accommodate, there are other ways to joke and tease.

Justin

As thing start to cool off and Justin and he has to focus more and more one his own issues, I have to work to remind myself of how much effort he put into pursuing me. It will take me time to get comfortable. And even that has it's dangers. I never want to take Justin for granted. I am so clingy. But I think that it was good for me to be without him this weekend. There is that fear that he will come back and say he is done with me. But I trust him. It is scary to trust that way, but I do. I know that he is going to come back from Corvallis and tell me that he misses me, and that he wants to see me, that he missed the sound of my voice, he missed how I smell, the taste of my lips, and how I cannot stop touching him.

Justin

I worry a great deal that I'm entirely too clingy. I've written him a love letter and I am always texting him. I tell him what time I take my lunch at and call him nearly without fail. We talk every night before who ever is going to bed first turns in for the night. We cannot seem to go more then a day or two without seeing each other. When I'm with him I'm constantly trying to be in contact with him. I don't care if it is just a hand on his shoulder while he drives, or playing with his hair, or touching his hand as he rests it on my thigh. I worry a great deal that I'm too clingy. I keep asking him if I am, and he keeps saying I'm not. I hope that I am not being too needy and or demanding. He makes me so happy. I feel so full and joyful when I am with him. I catch myself just gazing at him and feeling better about everything, feeling good about me, and about who I am. I don't want to lose him. I really, really hope that I'm not smothering him.