Jeremy

You tell me to write. I want you. I love you. I need you. And I hate you for it. How dare you make me fall for you. I told you what would happen. I begged you to listen. Couldn't you hear my heart breaking in my laugh? You are going to ruin me, going to bring me so low. But I cannot fight it, cannot deny it. I want you. I wanted you from the moment I heard your voice, your sweet sunshine filled voice.

Why won't you let me in? Why do you have to fear me? All I want is to hold you, hold you tight and never let go. Goddess bless the distance. It is the only thing that keeps me from doing the stupid romantic things I want to do. I wish I could show you my heart, cut it free of my chest and give it to you gift wrapped. Would you treasure it? Most of me thinks that you would, but there is that logical part of my mind that says you are a coward.

A young coward. A wonderful young coward. A funny wonderful young coward. A smart funny wonderful young coward. A gentle funny wonderful young coward. A caring smart funny wonderful young coward.

I want to forget you. Forget that I can feel so good.

I wish you understood. It is not always like this. It hurts. Oh god it hurts. When you let someone in and they turn you away, when they tell you that your love is not enough, it is not what they wanted, it does not go with their completion. Have you ever been so completely denied? Has anyone ever cut you so deeply you wished that you could just bleed out and die? It is not the same as hating yourself. Have you ever loved yourself and been told that you are not good enough? Have you ever looked in the mirror in the morning and thought about how good you feel, how everything is going to go your way, and then walked up to that person who you trust, who is supposed to love you and have them cut you to pieces? How can you understand my fears? How can you understand the eagerness and the dread?

I want you. I love you. I need you. And I hate you for it. I want to forget you. I do not want to let you in. I do not want to give you that sort of power, but here you are and you will be loved. You horrible little coward. You will be loved, no matter how I try to lie and make you something you are not, you will be loved. You are so brave, so damned brave and honorable. You are so good.

Jeremy

Why does it have to be so Goddamned hard? I am doing my best not to tease Jeremy over much, but there is that part of me that is a flirt, and that take a great deal of joy in listening to him fight with his desire. I want him to want me, I want it so badly I can taste it.

I spend a fair ammount of time fantizing about what it would be like to pick him up at the airport, which assumes that he would be coming to visit me at some point. I play it through a million differnt ways in my mind every day. I am so hopless.

Last night I showed Jeremy my power outfit. I had dressed up due to the fact that I was going to see Tim to get Erin's DDR pads back. So I put my web cam on and did a turn around and showed Jeremy that one could see the top of my thie highs through the torn wholes in my sexy jeans. Later on I teasingly commmented that I had gotten out of the jeans and was lounging in my undies, shirt and thie highs. This got him wimpering a bit, reminding me that he wanted pictures of me. I really wanted to take one for him, nearly did. But we are doing this friend thing.

Today it got brought up after he and I had been talking for a while. See I had left a certain video open on my computer and squeeled and laughted at myself about it. Jeremy could not let it go, he wanted to know what I was talking about. I finally confessed that I like to listen to him moaning my name, that I had been doing it earlyer that day, and well that got things headed in the wrong direction. I could tell by the tone, the timber of his voice that he was touching himself. He was begging me to make him another video of myself, one of myself in thie highs for him. I want to. I nearly gave into having phone sex with him. I went out to grab my vibe and webcam, but when I came back to the room I told him I had to go and turned of voice chat.

I scream sobbed into my pillow for a few minuets, it is really hard for me to turn him away. I want Jeremy so bad. But I need to respect the boundries he and I HAVE to have at this point. He knows it too. Once he was alone with himself and had sated his passions he came back to himself and knew that I had done the right thing. I am glad he finished because I am weak, and if he had moaned at me again I would have caved. He admited to me that he looks at the picturse and the videos I have sent him still. And it makes me feel warm and hot and needed. I want him.

I really do think god is laughing at me.

Casual Sex

My friend Alan is hurting rather badly. He is young, only 19ish, and has only had one true romance, while he has dallied with one other woman. His experience is rather slim, having only made love the one, and he has a healthy appetite for such things. The woman of his affections is firmly out of his grasp and so he is looking in all the wrong places for some relief. I feel for him deeply, it is well known that I have a weakness for the flesh, but I could not believe that he asked me for sex. Not after all my comments about believing that sex should be saved for love and what not. I did flirt with him a bit, he is a handsome young man and I am not about to say otherwise, but I never once offered any sort of comfort save for a hug.

It is odd to me that such a thing would be asked of me. I guess I do not see myself as being the sort of girl a guy would want to just sleep with for a night. I am not all that attractive really, yeah big tits and all, but I am heavy. I know I am not overly so in many men's eyes, but I am over weight, and I am not classically lovely. It was very flattering to be asked, especially by someone that I have coveted in the past, but I cannot break my morals so utterly. I am not sure he and I would be able to be friends afterwards and that is what really bothers me.

Aside from the fact that I think I am saving myself for Jeremy. It is stupid and silly, but I am willing to wait. I am not going to be dating anyone for alest another five months anyway so what do I lose by waiting around and flirting with the boy I believe myself in love with? It is rather silly still. I have turned down sex in part because of him now. I wonder if I should talk to him about it or not? ::sigh::

guilt

I feel drained and useless. I should be a better friend. And I cannot even bring myself to express it all. I post here in secret away from prying eyes. I am a coward. I should know better by now, she should be more important. Yet I wronged her. I wonder if one can truly make amends, if there is a way to right wrongs.

Jeremy

What does he know about want or desire? he has never felt what it is to be held, to be looked on with supposed adoration. I have come so close to being really loved. I can nearly taste the sweetness of it, but am always left with a mouth full of rotten flowers. I just want to kiss his bearded cheek and hold him close. It hurts so bad.

It hurts.

I hurt.

The wanting never gets any easier. I can feel the empty place inside of me where he should be. And it is not between my legs, but deep within my chest, in that place that is neither real nor imagined. I need him in my soul. I need him to make me whole. How can I be so certain of him? He had never even looked me in the eyes. Never even smelled my hair or dared to reach for my hand.

There is so much standing in the way. I just want to hold him, cradle his head on my chest and hum softly. But if I tell him then I am pushing, and I push on him all the time. He needs time and space, he is so young. And I am so impatient. I have already been stupid, already betrayed and lied for lust. My life was not strained and full enough of drama, I had to reach out to a hated man, and touch him with the passion I long to shower on my boy, my Mochroi. I yearn so strongly that I am likely to lose that which I desire.

The only asnwer is the one I fear most; I should stop talking to him. What do I gain by this game? He is never going to come to me, and I cannot go to him. I want him so baddly. I lay here with tears in my eyes as I type this. I want to fight for him. But some battles cannot be won with gun fire, and I am the poorest sort of general. I am lead around by my passions and desires, no logic can guild me, no light house can bring me safly home, I am sure to crash and smash myself on the rocky shores of lusty need and desire. There is nothing that I can do, nothing.

Why do I torture myself this way? Why cannot I be strong for once and accept that life is unfair. I have found the man that could make me happy and I can never even touch him. I should give up. I want to. The longer I hold on the more I am going to hurt. I need to let go. There are no happy endings, I am not sleeping beauty or Belle, reality is final and cruel. But I love him, and I cannot stop. I wish he had never told me, I wish I had told him then, I wish that I had told him to come, not to think about it just to come. I wish I had not paid him a moments attention.

I want to hold him. I want to tell him that he is wonderful and handsome and loved, loved forever and ever. I want to adore him and make him feel like a God amoung men. I want to laugh at his jokes and kiss the corners of his eyes. I want to worship at his feet and wake up to see the drowl on his pillow, blushing as I wipe at what is at the corner of my own mouth. I want to make right all that is wrong with him, to complete him and fufill him the way I know he can for me.

I never thought I could feel this way again. I feel so small and imperfect, so useless and stupid. And yet when he says I am beautiful I believe him, I really believe him. He makes me beautiful, takes away the stains and makes me pure all with a few typed words. I want him to read this, and I am hidding it. I cannot share it, cannot push. I should not talk to him anymore. I should give up and pray that whatever deity there is delivers him someone who can actually do for him all the things I want to do. I should say good-bye.

Tim

I went over to Tim's. It was fun, a bit relaxing. There is some tension there, most likely of my own making, but still it was nice. I can see what Erin so enjoyed about him, but I do not find myself caught up in him. I am not enchanted by him, cannot see myself desireing him in any way. I am lonely and long to be wanted and touched. It was nice to let him put his arm around me, but I felt no drive to take anything else, no excitement, only a slight worry that I might have to slap him for touching my breast. But he proved to be a gentleman, so there was no issue.

His friend Sierra came over. She seems nice enough, but I can tell that she is a bit of a drama whore. She is much freer with her sexuality then I am, and that is saying something. I was propositioned by her, and Tim confirmed in the car that she is attracted to me. I am flattered but she is not my sort of woman. I am drawn to innocence and this girl is most asuredly not that. It was nice to have someone be so instantly taken with me though, but still I can see the gleam of her claws, and the edge of her maturity. I would not mind being friends with her, but I would never hold her close to my heart, of that I am certain.

I was not attracted to Tim when he was dating Erin, I was not attracted to him when I was pissed at him, and I do not believe that I am attracted to him now. I feel no spark, no drive, no excitement. He is a nice person, and has a calming soothing air to him, I would like to hang out with him more, but I cannot ever see myself wanting more then that for so many reasons. He and Erin have a history, and I will always chose my sister. Also it is very likely that if Sierra wanted him he would go to her even if he and I were dating, and I am not alright with that thought. I have low self esteme and would never be able to reconcile that. And he is not a virgin, srsly.

A Return

I moved out.

I got a new job.

I broke up with Pete.

I vowed not to date for six months.

I fell for someone that I am not sure I can ever even meet.

I just want to be held.