Justin

So I met his parents today, and it went very well. I rather like all of them. Laying in on his uncomfertible futon after dinner, holding him and being held, I think it really hit me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love looking at his face. And I love listening to him talk. I think about him all the time, and I can tell that I'm always on his mind too.

I wrote him a love letter email and sent it to him last night to help me calm down before going to sleep, and it worked so wonderfully. Well he LOVED it. And now I guess he is going to write something for me. But I am going to be out done. He is talking about needing to wait for insparationa and oh, oh my I cannot catch my breath. I'm just so happy.

I'm feeling sort of sleepy so I'm not going to talk too much right now. But I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

Justin

So he brought me flowers. Not only that, he was happy to come and get me from work for the joy of getting to talk to me for the fifteen minuets it takes to get me home. I really, really think that I'm in love with him. I can't get him off of my mind, and he makes me feel so absolutly wonderful all the time. I've never dated someone so responcible and attentive.

He worries about all sorts of things. Many of them have to do with myself and our relationship. He wants to do everything with me, but says he fears what that can do to people. He does not ever want to take me for granted, or to have the trust issues that can spawn from constantly being with someone and then not being able to for whatever reason. This is due to a prior serious relationship that spaned several years. Sarah. I have a feeling that most of his odd concerns, the things that he worries about, when it comes to relationships, are her doing.

It makes me wonder how things will platue out. We have moved rather quickly. I have a big grin on my face while I think of thursday night. We made love. It was not the slow and passinate love making that I want from him, but I know that is on it's way. But what I am really in the dark about is where things go from here. I live with Erin at her Parents and cannot have him over for the night here, and he is rooming with his twenty year old brother at his parent's place. I guess though that it is going to be cool for me to stay the night sometimes.

That brings us to tomorrow. I have been invited over by his mother for dinner. And I guess she already like me. Same with his brother Alex, I called him and his friends newbs for playing Morowind on the X-box. I guess that makes me cool. His mom thinks I'm cool cause I am a care giver, and because Justin thinks I am. -dies- I mean this is a lot to live up to. And I have to wait all day for it. It's dinner, that means like sometime between five or seven. I have to make it all that way without going crazy. -bangs head against wall-

Justin

He worries. He worries about eveything. I don't know how I got this lucky. He puts up with my ramblings, even late at night when he should be asleep. He so enjoys me. I want to hold him and touch him all the time. There is never enough time in which I am in contact with him, or that we are talking. I adore the sound of his voice, his laugh, and he little non-verbal noises. He is always joking, though at the same time he can be very serious. But his humor is dry, and can be cutting if he so chose to weild it. He is very smart and witty, and knows it well. Though at the same time he is very modest, and yet he does not think poorly of himself. All these wonderful checks and balances.

I want to keep him forever and ever. We have each started to make little promises, tiny little comments here and there. It is so soon, everything between us has happened so fast. And I try to imagine living without him, and it is like imagining life without my Erin. He is a part of me now, and I know that it is the same for him. I to make him happy, his smile is such a wonderful and completely fofilling reward.

I love him.

Justin - Poem

What do lovers say when they're not lovers?

Or when it is all but said?

What is there for me to do or say to make my feelings known?

How can I convey the feeling I get when you look at me?

That pleasant rolling in my stomach when you touch me?

Or how much I long to kiss you, not only your lips but your cheeks,

the corners of your eyes and the place behind your ears,

and the tops of your shoulders down to the hollow of your elbows and the tips of your fingers across the broad expanse of your back and turning you over

so that I might linger for a moment at your chest,

delighting in your smooth skin as I kiss down your stomach and the sides of your hips

asking you with a grin on my face to roll over again so that I might lavish your small behind

with the same attentions,

then it would be down to the backs and insides of your thies,

lifting your legs so that I can layer kisses over every inch, even the tops and bottoms of your feet.

Such silly little notes scribbled like this in an ardent haste and longing so sharp it is nearly a need made real and alive in my flesh for you, for your nearness.

Forgive these simple undecorated words,

they are all I have and they fail to capture the fullness of my feelings,

to truly express my admiration and desire for you.

And even though they are not worth, just like myself they are your's for the taking.

Jeremy

Jeremy and I might just have everything worked out ><

Justin

So I am a hopless blond. I said Jeremy's name while I was getting it on with Justin. ::headdesk:: This is a place holder. I should write more here but I cannot think right now.

Jeremy-Justin

Jeremy is being a douche bag. He is bring up fights from months ago and claiming to feel completely back stabbed. I know that things are going to come to a head between us and I am ready to have the tension completely gone. I do not want to cut him out of my life, but if he is going to be cruel then I cannot continue to give him my time and energy.

Justin thinks I should just be done with Jeremy. He was a little cranky, only very slightly, about it last night. I felt as though he might even be a bit disappointed in me in regards to this, and I could not handle that. He reassured me, but it is not something that I am willing to risk. I adore him, and I want so much for him to be proud of me, to be able to live up to this image he has of me.

This cannot continue. Jeremy has been disrespectful of Erin, Zimmie, myself, and now of Justin and my feelings for him. There is only so much farther he can push me.

His song - Jeremy

Almost lover by A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Jeremy-Justin

Jeremy is gay, or so he says. I don't know. I'm not sure what I believe. I do know that my dear friend loves me, and that he is jealous. He doesn't have to want to be sexual with me to want to be the most important man in my life.

Jeremy doesn't like Justin cause of WoW? That is bullshit. He is baseing his opinion off of Justin's choice in character race and class. It is bullshit. He has played both sides and is now trying to be all pro-Horde as if he had never played the Allince. Jeremy needs to take his head out of his ass. The lest he could do is be honest with himself. But he is just not very good at that.

How can he be gay if he is attracted to me? Was he lying? This is just stupid confusing.

See that? Right there! He flirted with me and admited that he finds me attrative, I mean wtf is going on!? Because here we have it, the epic disscussion in which he admits to me that he is a homosexual . . . . .

That is the begining of it, once I get on the phone with Justin and am able to get some information out of him it resuemes . . . .

So here we see him insulting my boyfriend for no reason what so ever, and then denying that he is jealous, yeah right. Things continue to get heated and he finaily gets tired of my not rising to his bait. And then loses his nerve. Let us return . . . .

There you have it, right fucking there! Does he not contridick himself? Stupid fucking boy. He is still in love with me, and that is fine, if he would fucking admit it. It is just so hurtful of him to play with me like this. But I don't think he understands, not really. It is not that I doubt him being attracted to men, but that he feels nothing romantic or sexual for me. The things that we have shared, and the things that we have told each other, the way he acts towards me, it all points to his feeling possive of me. And to a certain point that is alright, he is like a deffencive brother. and I love Jeremy, so I can take it. It is the fucking bullshit games that drive me insane. I want him to be happy, weather it is with a man or a woman, I just want him in my life and happy. But I am not sure how long this can go on. I am not going to tolerate senceless hate and rudness towards Justin. I would have delt with it when dating Pete or Andrew, but not my sweet Justin.

Fuck Jeremy. No matter what he has been to me, no matter how much he cares for me, if he cannot be happy for me then I do not need him. Justin is the best thing that has ever happened to me save for meeting Erin. And I am not giving either of them up. Erin tolerates Jeremy, but Jeremy is always fucking stiring shit, and I'm really on my last nerve.

I'm trying to calm down and let it go. we had a good friendly chat after that, he is still being an ass about WoW, but calmed down, was civilish. God it just pisses me off. I give and I give, and all he sees is that I'm happy and he isn't. I can tell that he has felt crummy, it happened when he got out of spring term, all he is doing is sitting in his room play WoW. He has one online class, and I doubt he gets out of the house even once a week now. He had quit WoW for a few months and was feeling better, now he is back on it and back in the rut. ::shakes head:: I just want to strangle him, I love him so much. Stupid fucking boy.

If he isn't careful he is going to push me away, far away, forever.

Insecure - Justin

So I am dating this new man. And he is wonderful. I keep listing all his wonderful qualities, and I just cannot believe how absolutely wonderful he is. I have to struggle to find anything negative to say about him. 1) He is a bit over weight, 2) He wears an icky sweet sharp musk, 3) He likes to watch sports sometimes. It is easy to see that these are not very big issues. Issues one and two are things that can be changed. Justin is very excited to try and lose weight with Erin and I. As far as the Cologne or deodorant or whatever, I am sure that if I asked him he would tell me what it was and would be more than willing to pick a new scent. Issue three . . . well maybe I could watch a ball game or two, it doesn't seem all that bad really, not when I think of doing it with him.

So Justin is amazing, and I cannot think of enough good things to say about him. He is smart, successful, literary, kind, thoughtful, considerate, handsome, confident, tender, open, and desiring of myself. This man thinks the world of me, and I am terrified that he is going to get to know me and think that I am stupid, that I have not done anything worth while with my life, and that I am a waste of his time. He started working at fourteen, for no other reason than that he wanted to be able to buy his own video games. I mean seriously! I did not even get my GED tell I was nine-teen and then did not work tell I was nearly twenty.

Justin has done so much with his life, he has traveled, worked for several different companies, many times more than one at a time, and he has donated his time to the One-Child-One-Computer project. I mean for goodness sakes! What am I compared to any of this?

When is he going to wake up and see that he could do so much better than me? When is he going to really see the sad scared lost young woman that I am? He tells me that he is so glad that I have it so together, and I feel like it is all a lie. I have nothing together, nothing! I feel like a fake, and I feel my heart jump when he talks about his female friends.

I want him to hang out with them, I want him to do everything that makes him happy. I trust him. But I worry. Because I do not feel worthy of him, and there for I worry that perhaps something might happen even though I trust him. It is craziness, I know it is just the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head, but I cannot stop it.

There is a part of me, as I write this, that thinks I should tell him this. There is another part of me that wants to break it off already, before it has even been a week, before I see him again, before he can make me love him anymore. I am just so terrified that he is going to say, "Gee, sorry Heather. Your a great gal, but I want to be with someone who has done something with herself, someone who has a plan. We can still be friends you know." Goddess Sake I live in such fear of it! See, the issue is that I am already falling for him.

I have been more reserved then Justin, he has practically declared his love. It was he who decided that the casual dating game was not going to work, it was he who insisted that we 'go steady', that he could not stand to be without me. The more he talks to me, the more I think of him, the stronger I feel. Just sitting here writing this I feel my heart swelling to think of him, of the way he touches me. I have never been so adored, so desired, so treasured. I never want it to end, I want to be his, I want to give myself to him utterly and completely. I cannot think of anyone else that could ever make me feel this way, anyone. I cannot imagine that there will be anyone else.

It is not like with Jeremy where I felt desperate and unlovable. No. I know that I have some worth, that there are those who would desire me. I do not doubt that I am worthy of love, and that my love is worthy of being given. What I doubt is weather or not I am worthy of Justin, this most wonderful man. Goddess help me to be.

work in progress - Justin

Sneaking up
sensations and curiosity
they slither and surprise
there is simply no way
no possibility
No slight chance
nothing for it
in the end
we must simply surrender
and in the act
we might find some solace
though I have been bitten
and found that men
are crueler then
their smile want me to believe
There is nothing for it though
If my heart has chosen
there is no way to refuse it