Insecure - Justin

So I am dating this new man. And he is wonderful. I keep listing all his wonderful qualities, and I just cannot believe how absolutely wonderful he is. I have to struggle to find anything negative to say about him. 1) He is a bit over weight, 2) He wears an icky sweet sharp musk, 3) He likes to watch sports sometimes. It is easy to see that these are not very big issues. Issues one and two are things that can be changed. Justin is very excited to try and lose weight with Erin and I. As far as the Cologne or deodorant or whatever, I am sure that if I asked him he would tell me what it was and would be more than willing to pick a new scent. Issue three . . . well maybe I could watch a ball game or two, it doesn't seem all that bad really, not when I think of doing it with him.

So Justin is amazing, and I cannot think of enough good things to say about him. He is smart, successful, literary, kind, thoughtful, considerate, handsome, confident, tender, open, and desiring of myself. This man thinks the world of me, and I am terrified that he is going to get to know me and think that I am stupid, that I have not done anything worth while with my life, and that I am a waste of his time. He started working at fourteen, for no other reason than that he wanted to be able to buy his own video games. I mean seriously! I did not even get my GED tell I was nine-teen and then did not work tell I was nearly twenty.

Justin has done so much with his life, he has traveled, worked for several different companies, many times more than one at a time, and he has donated his time to the One-Child-One-Computer project. I mean for goodness sakes! What am I compared to any of this?

When is he going to wake up and see that he could do so much better than me? When is he going to really see the sad scared lost young woman that I am? He tells me that he is so glad that I have it so together, and I feel like it is all a lie. I have nothing together, nothing! I feel like a fake, and I feel my heart jump when he talks about his female friends.

I want him to hang out with them, I want him to do everything that makes him happy. I trust him. But I worry. Because I do not feel worthy of him, and there for I worry that perhaps something might happen even though I trust him. It is craziness, I know it is just the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head, but I cannot stop it.

There is a part of me, as I write this, that thinks I should tell him this. There is another part of me that wants to break it off already, before it has even been a week, before I see him again, before he can make me love him anymore. I am just so terrified that he is going to say, "Gee, sorry Heather. Your a great gal, but I want to be with someone who has done something with herself, someone who has a plan. We can still be friends you know." Goddess Sake I live in such fear of it! See, the issue is that I am already falling for him.

I have been more reserved then Justin, he has practically declared his love. It was he who decided that the casual dating game was not going to work, it was he who insisted that we 'go steady', that he could not stand to be without me. The more he talks to me, the more I think of him, the stronger I feel. Just sitting here writing this I feel my heart swelling to think of him, of the way he touches me. I have never been so adored, so desired, so treasured. I never want it to end, I want to be his, I want to give myself to him utterly and completely. I cannot think of anyone else that could ever make me feel this way, anyone. I cannot imagine that there will be anyone else.

It is not like with Jeremy where I felt desperate and unlovable. No. I know that I have some worth, that there are those who would desire me. I do not doubt that I am worthy of love, and that my love is worthy of being given. What I doubt is weather or not I am worthy of Justin, this most wonderful man. Goddess help me to be.