I wanna hold your hand

So I saw Jamie again. And I am starting to feel fairly certain that things are going to happen there, but there is no rush save for my own desire to ravish him. I'm already looking at his sweet goofy features and finding the underlying handsomeness in them. His voice has a strange soothing quality to it, and his outlandish comedic comments make me smile.

I am very happy that Erin and Jamie both like each other. We even got into a bit of a stressful situation, Erin got pulled over, and he didn't get weirded out by Erin needing to rant a bit, about her needing to talk role play, or anything else. Jamie is not a snob, not in the lest. He is warm and welcoming, that nerd you knew in school that was always eager to share his weird theories with you, always willing to help you with your math home work.

There were several times that I made excuses for myself to touch him. I found myself wanting to watch his features, and willing to just listen to him converse with Erin. I never felt left out of the conversation, just happy to be with two people who I care about.

When we were in the car with Erin Jamie sat behind me. I tried to rub his hand at first and when that proved too awkward I gave up for a while. For the last forty-five minuets or so I tried again. I turned sideways in my seat and just ideally started touching just below his knee. After a few minuets of this he started to stroke the back of my hand a wrist. Before long we were holding hands, and soon he had his other hand around mine, cupping it in both of his and caressing me while he listened to music and Erin and I chitter chatter.

When we hugged good bye I again felt very comfortable. Something that I'm not sure if I can trust, save for the fact that no boundaries have been pressed. Jamie didn't try to turn his face into him, he just talked to me, caressed my back a bit, and held me. I wanted to kiss him, I thought about it. In the end I kissed his cheek and told him that I had a great time, that I wanted to see him again soon. He agreed and asked me about my next days off.

When he got home we exchanged  a few texts, things that reinforce what we have already been saying. I think that he is handsome, funny, witty, and thoughtful. He thinks that I'm cute, passionate, thoughtful and smart. I think that he makes me smile and laugh, that he makes me feel very good about myself. Jamie is a wonderful guy.

Another James?

Really? Come one me. Oh well. I give in. I'm really only holding back at this point because that is what I have promised myself to do. I need time to get to know him, to see that my interest will not wane, that I'm ready, and that Jamie too feels the same way.

He is so very goofy, and yet he has proven to me a few times that he can be very serious. His job and education proves it too. He seems to be very attentive and happy to be that way. He is an agreeible sort of guy, and says he would just rather look on the bright side. So he is always making a joke, always trying to get me to laugh.

And it works. I laugh with him all the time. I'm smiling right now.

I'm finding myself wanting him to play with my hair, I want him to hug me again, I want to snuggle him. I want to stay up late listening to his ridiculous stories, laughing and held close. I've started to play out scenarios in my mind about it, have found myself longing or his touch.

It is still too soon to date him, and I shouldn't kiss him. But I feel that it is very likely that I will find myself growing closer and closer to this new and wonderful friend.

Hurt

And if it was real, if it was anything like love, it'll hurt to move on.

I hurt, but I'm ready to move on.

Once again with feeling

So I've weeded it down to one for the moment. Jim has not shown me that he really want to pursue me. Maybe he is interested, but I've seen him put out hundreds of times more effort on a woman than what he is doing for me. So for now I write it off and go back to thinking of him only as a dear friend. And really whats wrong with that?

Justin still has not spoken to me. And while I long for that connection I'm finding it easier and easier to live without. It hurts though. One does not want to admit that they've made a mistake, that they chose wrong. And it is hard to admit that what one thought was love, freely given and freely revived, was really just a very wonderful imitation. I'm glad that I learned something, glad that I was treated so wonderfully, and adored so completely, if only for a few weeks. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I still have to sing myself sad songs. I know that I'm not really over it. But I can see getting there, no matter how little I like it.

James. Oh goodness. I think that I do in fact have romantic feelings for him. He is a dear, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and passionate man. I'm impressed by him, but not in awe. Likely that is a good sign. He has dark hair and, what I can see in the pictures, it looks like lovely blue eyes. His last name is funny, Greek, which suits him. He seems to have a very similar sense of humor to me, likes many of the same shows.

He seems excited to meet me, but does not seem to be in a rush. Friday looks to be a very fun day. I'm really rather excited about it. Sushi and bowling. Maybe he'll hold my hand, or put his arm around me. I hope that I don't do something stupid like kiss him. I want to take this slow, I want to do this right.

I've made a bit of a joke out of it. I call the things that we aren't talking about 'The Elephant in the room'. We both know that we'd like this to turn into romance, we are calling Friday a date, but we are not 'dating', and we are both trying to keep the flirting down, and to keep away from speaking about things that would lead us into more intimate grounds, for now. It will be two and a half weeks that we've been talking when we meet. I'm hoping not to have to deal with the 'Elephant' tell the end of next month.

I'm serious about it this time. If I have to not talk to him for a few days, if I have to get angry and put my foot down, I will. I'm not going to allow myself to be charmed again. Justin should have respected what I said, and I should have respected myself enough to mean what I said, to not change my mind so easily. James is a very fun person, he seems absolutely wonderful and sweet. I do not want to screw this up by rushing it. I want him as my friend, and then we'll see about something more.

I've also settled on a nick name for him. Seems he is not overly found of Jim. And that is fine with me as that is what I call the other James, what I call Jimbo. So I'm going to call this James Jamie. I rather like the name, and I think I'm the only one to call him that way. I hope that it does not end up getting on his nerves.

As far as Kris goes. . . . that should be an entry unto itself, maybe tomorrow.

Men

Men are horrible. They feel the need to be noble, at lest the good ones do. And that creates all sorts of issues for us honest women.

I'm not over Justin.

I don't know what I feel for three different men.

I just want to roll over and give up sometimes. It would be easy after a while, I'd grow numb.

But the rest of me knows that is just a lie. I'm a hopless romantic, and that is just how it is.

James, Jim, Kris. All three of you confuse me. I have no idea what I feel for any of you. You are each quite different. All of you older than me, that and having y chromosomes is likely all the three of you have in common really.

It is too soon to know. And I'm happy for the most part living in this land of not knowing. I think that Kris wishes that I knew how I felt, but he's doing a good job of not saying anything. The last thing I want is to hurt any of these men. They all seem wonderful, even James who I've not yet met face to face. It wold be nice if I could get a chance to hang out with Jimbo. That might answer some of the questions I have about how I feel about him, and everyone else. But I suppose that nothing is going to be made easy for me.

Out of the three Jim confuses me the most. The other two at lest admit interest in me. Jim knows me best and has admited the lest. I simply have no idea how to feel about it.

As it is for now I simply hope to make new good friends, to learn to dance, and to have a good time. If I fall in love with one of these men, then so be it. If not then there are certainly others out there, perhaps one will find me?

Moving forward

I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. Justin does not seem to be grieving for the end of our relationship, not from what I can see on facebook anyway. And tomorrow will be a week. It was a very short romance, even if I really believe that he could have been the one, even if I am still in love with him. So I'm talking to men again on Cupid, and letting myself consider Jimbo, even though I'm sure that is a rather dangerous idea. There is a guy talking to me whom I am sure is just wanting to cyber, and there is a guy talking to me who is very nice, English is his second language and so far I rather enjoy him. I've sent out a few messages and turned stalkers back on. We'll see what happens.

Confused

Dangerous=James Hayes. He has seduced me into infatuation once before, and it was utterly disastrous. Now I am sheltered by my grief, by the tortured memory of Justin's smile, but I fear for my heart.

I do not wish my life to become like some twisted romantic drama. I cannot imagine there being a better match for me than Justin, in all things. Jim has never been a man whom I found physically attractive, and he is much older than I am, nor does he enjoy the same movies, or amine, or books, or even music as I. I fear that I would be a desperate last ditch effort for him to find someone, anyone to love him. And I do not want to merely settle, to be nothing but the leavings of another man.

Just as I am sheltered from Jim's current advances by my heart ache, I am made weak to his kindnesses. I need him to make me smile. He is a dear trusted friend, and my heart has long gone out to him. It has long been my desire to be able to do something to ease his loneliness. But it is so odd. I have so often felt myself a child at his feet, having met him my Senior year of High School, when I was not yet anything like the woman I hope I am becoming.

And still . . . . I have always cared for James, always wondered. What would have happened had things gone differently? If I had been more confident? Perhaps that is why Justin too turned from me? I doubt myself, my worth very much, and I know that it affects how others see me. Justin always said he loved how together I am. What a lie, what a fucking lie.

I can feel myself beginning to descend into ranting and tearfulness. I want to stop time, I want to be able to go back and try again. I'd try a thousand times, suffer a thousand heart aches, if I could find how to get my happy ending.

Please Goddess let me stop seeing his smile.

Hard

It is very hard right now to think of anything and not have it remind me of Justin. I cannot even look at the movies that are coming out without my heart hurting. We were going to see Inglorious Bastards together, maybe Funny People, too. I want to see District 9 and had planned on asking him to take me. He got me started reading the Ender Series by Orson Scott Card. I'd like to continue reading the series, it's very good. But I'm going to think of him the entire time. I want to go back and read The Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. But he read that in High School, and it is one of the reasons I started to seriously talk to him.

I close my eyes and I see his face, his smile. Oh Goddess help me but he has the most handsome smile I've ever seen. It breaks my heart to think I'll never see him smile at me again.