Confused

Dangerous=James Hayes. He has seduced me into infatuation once before, and it was utterly disastrous. Now I am sheltered by my grief, by the tortured memory of Justin's smile, but I fear for my heart.

I do not wish my life to become like some twisted romantic drama. I cannot imagine there being a better match for me than Justin, in all things. Jim has never been a man whom I found physically attractive, and he is much older than I am, nor does he enjoy the same movies, or amine, or books, or even music as I. I fear that I would be a desperate last ditch effort for him to find someone, anyone to love him. And I do not want to merely settle, to be nothing but the leavings of another man.

Just as I am sheltered from Jim's current advances by my heart ache, I am made weak to his kindnesses. I need him to make me smile. He is a dear trusted friend, and my heart has long gone out to him. It has long been my desire to be able to do something to ease his loneliness. But it is so odd. I have so often felt myself a child at his feet, having met him my Senior year of High School, when I was not yet anything like the woman I hope I am becoming.

And still . . . . I have always cared for James, always wondered. What would have happened had things gone differently? If I had been more confident? Perhaps that is why Justin too turned from me? I doubt myself, my worth very much, and I know that it affects how others see me. Justin always said he loved how together I am. What a lie, what a fucking lie.

I can feel myself beginning to descend into ranting and tearfulness. I want to stop time, I want to be able to go back and try again. I'd try a thousand times, suffer a thousand heart aches, if I could find how to get my happy ending.

Please Goddess let me stop seeing his smile.