Kissed

This past Tuesday, the 9th of September 2009 James Proestos kissed me in his car outside the Lancaster Mall Movie Theater. We sat there, our forheads pressed together, then ours noses touching for a minuet, my heart beating fast, my tounge licking my lips, hopeing that he would kiss me. I was surprised when he did, and even more surprised when he didn't stop. Jamie just kept kissing me, and kissing me. There were no second thoughts on my side, no worries. I was able to give myself over to the kiss for the most part. I was distracted by the people outside the car, but that was not really all that bad.

We saw the movie Extract, and it was funny. He cuddled me the entire time, kissed on my face, and was a joy to be around.

It took us forever to get out of the parking lot, to say good bye, to actually let the other go. I adore how tender and sweet he is, how obvious his desire for me.

Beach trip

I had a great time at the beach with Erin, Matt, and Jamie. There is still some tension between Matt and Erin, and I've no idea where that will go. But he is a good guy, and I hope that I'm right in trusting him to do the right thing, I really think I am.

Jamie.

Jamie is so wonderful. He is really silly, and yet he is so able to be serious when I ask. I love how he lightens the mood of nearly any situation. He doesn't bother taking offense at the small things, and yet he tells me about not trusting friends who have done things like leave him at the air port and what not. He just seems like a very together sort of guy. And he doesn't seem to that -I- have it together. He knows that I'm broken, and is more then fine with it.

It is very comforting.

I'm also doing my best to resist kissing him. There have been a few times that it has been hard for me. But today, when we were alone in the car saying good bye he held me very tight or caressed my leg, never more then a few inches above the knee. But then he started to nussle my neck. I already knew from the night that Erin, Matt, Jamie, and I drove around that he could excite me with hardly any touch. I had no idea that he could get me so excited by just nussleing my neck, through my hair, and the thick neck of my sweater. Goddess be good. If I was not restraining myself I would have kissed him, would have crawled into his lap.

The way he touches me just seems so sweet and natural. Jamie doesn't second guess his actions, his instincts. He acts without worry, giving himself over completely to each caress. I can see myself in his arms, I can feel myself willingly submitting to his hands, and I want time to fly. I am taking it slow, so very slow. I have just started to give little pecks to her neck, just a small scattering, or to breath on his ear. But it is so worth it, so very very worth it.

HindSight is 20/20

I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, that you were wrong, that in the end I was more afraid of being alone then anything else. I shouldn't have kissed you. I said it was time to get out of the car, and I should have just got out. But I wanted to fall in love.

I wanna hold your hand

So I saw Jamie again. And I am starting to feel fairly certain that things are going to happen there, but there is no rush save for my own desire to ravish him. I'm already looking at his sweet goofy features and finding the underlying handsomeness in them. His voice has a strange soothing quality to it, and his outlandish comedic comments make me smile.

I am very happy that Erin and Jamie both like each other. We even got into a bit of a stressful situation, Erin got pulled over, and he didn't get weirded out by Erin needing to rant a bit, about her needing to talk role play, or anything else. Jamie is not a snob, not in the lest. He is warm and welcoming, that nerd you knew in school that was always eager to share his weird theories with you, always willing to help you with your math home work.

There were several times that I made excuses for myself to touch him. I found myself wanting to watch his features, and willing to just listen to him converse with Erin. I never felt left out of the conversation, just happy to be with two people who I care about.

When we were in the car with Erin Jamie sat behind me. I tried to rub his hand at first and when that proved too awkward I gave up for a while. For the last forty-five minuets or so I tried again. I turned sideways in my seat and just ideally started touching just below his knee. After a few minuets of this he started to stroke the back of my hand a wrist. Before long we were holding hands, and soon he had his other hand around mine, cupping it in both of his and caressing me while he listened to music and Erin and I chitter chatter.

When we hugged good bye I again felt very comfortable. Something that I'm not sure if I can trust, save for the fact that no boundaries have been pressed. Jamie didn't try to turn his face into him, he just talked to me, caressed my back a bit, and held me. I wanted to kiss him, I thought about it. In the end I kissed his cheek and told him that I had a great time, that I wanted to see him again soon. He agreed and asked me about my next days off.

When he got home we exchanged  a few texts, things that reinforce what we have already been saying. I think that he is handsome, funny, witty, and thoughtful. He thinks that I'm cute, passionate, thoughtful and smart. I think that he makes me smile and laugh, that he makes me feel very good about myself. Jamie is a wonderful guy.

Another James?

Really? Come one me. Oh well. I give in. I'm really only holding back at this point because that is what I have promised myself to do. I need time to get to know him, to see that my interest will not wane, that I'm ready, and that Jamie too feels the same way.

He is so very goofy, and yet he has proven to me a few times that he can be very serious. His job and education proves it too. He seems to be very attentive and happy to be that way. He is an agreeible sort of guy, and says he would just rather look on the bright side. So he is always making a joke, always trying to get me to laugh.

And it works. I laugh with him all the time. I'm smiling right now.

I'm finding myself wanting him to play with my hair, I want him to hug me again, I want to snuggle him. I want to stay up late listening to his ridiculous stories, laughing and held close. I've started to play out scenarios in my mind about it, have found myself longing or his touch.

It is still too soon to date him, and I shouldn't kiss him. But I feel that it is very likely that I will find myself growing closer and closer to this new and wonderful friend.

Hurt

And if it was real, if it was anything like love, it'll hurt to move on.

I hurt, but I'm ready to move on.

Once again with feeling

So I've weeded it down to one for the moment. Jim has not shown me that he really want to pursue me. Maybe he is interested, but I've seen him put out hundreds of times more effort on a woman than what he is doing for me. So for now I write it off and go back to thinking of him only as a dear friend. And really whats wrong with that?

Justin still has not spoken to me. And while I long for that connection I'm finding it easier and easier to live without. It hurts though. One does not want to admit that they've made a mistake, that they chose wrong. And it is hard to admit that what one thought was love, freely given and freely revived, was really just a very wonderful imitation. I'm glad that I learned something, glad that I was treated so wonderfully, and adored so completely, if only for a few weeks. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I still have to sing myself sad songs. I know that I'm not really over it. But I can see getting there, no matter how little I like it.

James. Oh goodness. I think that I do in fact have romantic feelings for him. He is a dear, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and passionate man. I'm impressed by him, but not in awe. Likely that is a good sign. He has dark hair and, what I can see in the pictures, it looks like lovely blue eyes. His last name is funny, Greek, which suits him. He seems to have a very similar sense of humor to me, likes many of the same shows.

He seems excited to meet me, but does not seem to be in a rush. Friday looks to be a very fun day. I'm really rather excited about it. Sushi and bowling. Maybe he'll hold my hand, or put his arm around me. I hope that I don't do something stupid like kiss him. I want to take this slow, I want to do this right.

I've made a bit of a joke out of it. I call the things that we aren't talking about 'The Elephant in the room'. We both know that we'd like this to turn into romance, we are calling Friday a date, but we are not 'dating', and we are both trying to keep the flirting down, and to keep away from speaking about things that would lead us into more intimate grounds, for now. It will be two and a half weeks that we've been talking when we meet. I'm hoping not to have to deal with the 'Elephant' tell the end of next month.

I'm serious about it this time. If I have to not talk to him for a few days, if I have to get angry and put my foot down, I will. I'm not going to allow myself to be charmed again. Justin should have respected what I said, and I should have respected myself enough to mean what I said, to not change my mind so easily. James is a very fun person, he seems absolutely wonderful and sweet. I do not want to screw this up by rushing it. I want him as my friend, and then we'll see about something more.

I've also settled on a nick name for him. Seems he is not overly found of Jim. And that is fine with me as that is what I call the other James, what I call Jimbo. So I'm going to call this James Jamie. I rather like the name, and I think I'm the only one to call him that way. I hope that it does not end up getting on his nerves.

As far as Kris goes. . . . that should be an entry unto itself, maybe tomorrow.

Men

Men are horrible. They feel the need to be noble, at lest the good ones do. And that creates all sorts of issues for us honest women.

I'm not over Justin.

I don't know what I feel for three different men.

I just want to roll over and give up sometimes. It would be easy after a while, I'd grow numb.

But the rest of me knows that is just a lie. I'm a hopless romantic, and that is just how it is.

James, Jim, Kris. All three of you confuse me. I have no idea what I feel for any of you. You are each quite different. All of you older than me, that and having y chromosomes is likely all the three of you have in common really.

It is too soon to know. And I'm happy for the most part living in this land of not knowing. I think that Kris wishes that I knew how I felt, but he's doing a good job of not saying anything. The last thing I want is to hurt any of these men. They all seem wonderful, even James who I've not yet met face to face. It wold be nice if I could get a chance to hang out with Jimbo. That might answer some of the questions I have about how I feel about him, and everyone else. But I suppose that nothing is going to be made easy for me.

Out of the three Jim confuses me the most. The other two at lest admit interest in me. Jim knows me best and has admited the lest. I simply have no idea how to feel about it.

As it is for now I simply hope to make new good friends, to learn to dance, and to have a good time. If I fall in love with one of these men, then so be it. If not then there are certainly others out there, perhaps one will find me?

Moving forward

I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. Justin does not seem to be grieving for the end of our relationship, not from what I can see on facebook anyway. And tomorrow will be a week. It was a very short romance, even if I really believe that he could have been the one, even if I am still in love with him. So I'm talking to men again on Cupid, and letting myself consider Jimbo, even though I'm sure that is a rather dangerous idea. There is a guy talking to me whom I am sure is just wanting to cyber, and there is a guy talking to me who is very nice, English is his second language and so far I rather enjoy him. I've sent out a few messages and turned stalkers back on. We'll see what happens.

Confused

Dangerous=James Hayes. He has seduced me into infatuation once before, and it was utterly disastrous. Now I am sheltered by my grief, by the tortured memory of Justin's smile, but I fear for my heart.

I do not wish my life to become like some twisted romantic drama. I cannot imagine there being a better match for me than Justin, in all things. Jim has never been a man whom I found physically attractive, and he is much older than I am, nor does he enjoy the same movies, or amine, or books, or even music as I. I fear that I would be a desperate last ditch effort for him to find someone, anyone to love him. And I do not want to merely settle, to be nothing but the leavings of another man.

Just as I am sheltered from Jim's current advances by my heart ache, I am made weak to his kindnesses. I need him to make me smile. He is a dear trusted friend, and my heart has long gone out to him. It has long been my desire to be able to do something to ease his loneliness. But it is so odd. I have so often felt myself a child at his feet, having met him my Senior year of High School, when I was not yet anything like the woman I hope I am becoming.

And still . . . . I have always cared for James, always wondered. What would have happened had things gone differently? If I had been more confident? Perhaps that is why Justin too turned from me? I doubt myself, my worth very much, and I know that it affects how others see me. Justin always said he loved how together I am. What a lie, what a fucking lie.

I can feel myself beginning to descend into ranting and tearfulness. I want to stop time, I want to be able to go back and try again. I'd try a thousand times, suffer a thousand heart aches, if I could find how to get my happy ending.

Please Goddess let me stop seeing his smile.

Hard

It is very hard right now to think of anything and not have it remind me of Justin. I cannot even look at the movies that are coming out without my heart hurting. We were going to see Inglorious Bastards together, maybe Funny People, too. I want to see District 9 and had planned on asking him to take me. He got me started reading the Ender Series by Orson Scott Card. I'd like to continue reading the series, it's very good. But I'm going to think of him the entire time. I want to go back and read The Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. But he read that in High School, and it is one of the reasons I started to seriously talk to him.

I close my eyes and I see his face, his smile. Oh Goddess help me but he has the most handsome smile I've ever seen. It breaks my heart to think I'll never see him smile at me again.

Transition

Transitioning is hard. Justin has made a choice for him, and I'm not sure where that leaves me. Why couldn't he have just moved to Seattle? But then again I wouldn't unmeet him. But being left is hard, even when you're told none of it is your fault.

I've talked about it a lot. And I'm not sure if I should sit around and feel bad for myself, or if I should just get on with my life. We were not even together for a full two months. But it was the best seven weeks of my life, or near enough to that there is no difference.

Jimbo is flirting with me again. I am fucking surrounded by 'J' names. And there is a part of me that is excited, that would not mind if something happened there. But there is another part of me that really wants Justin to tell me he fucked up.

I feel sick. I don't want to eat, and it is hard to sleep. My mind keeps taking me back to things that cannot make me happy right now. The memory of his smile, how soft his skin is, and how happy I was with him.

I hope that Jim understands that I'm more then a bit broken right now.

Justin

I hate that I cannot stop seeing your perfect smile

Please - Justin

Into whose arms do you turn when the arms you want are the arms that hurt?
What do you do when the lips you long for are the lips that rejected you?
And what do you look upon when the smile you adore will not turn your way?

How do I live without you?
How do I smile?
How do I speak?
How do I breath?

Was it all only a lie?
That perfect look in your eyes?
The way you touched me?
Kissed me?
Was it all in my mind?

Don't turn away.
Come back and take it back.
Tell me that we're both fools.
Tell me we'll make it work.
Don't turn away.

Please . . .

poetry - Justin

It's so silly
I should be able to fight off this compulsion
But how can I even want to think of that possibility?
Light cinnamon and nearly silky soft
smelling of that faint musk
that ever present masculine scent
and tasting like nothing I can name,
your skin taunts me.
It calls to my lips,
a siren's irresistible song.
And there you lay looking at me,
your eyes wide with seemingly honest innocence.
Again I should be able to resist,
but I cannot find it in me to do aught but desire.

Justin

It is odd to me that we fit so well together, and then that there are somethings that are so different. Not in a bad way, just different. Justin likes to joke and tease, but he takes himself very seriously. He was telling me that he is the only one who cleans the dogs and plays with them and I said, "Such a good boy." He replied, "Don't patronize me, I'll just hang up the phone." I didn't mean to put him down with my joke, it's one of the ways I show affection sometimes, the passing back and forth of such jokes. But I've noticed that Justin takes himself very seriously, and I believe that it is just that quality that endears him to me so much in many ways. It's something that I think I can gladly accommodate, there are other ways to joke and tease.

Justin

As thing start to cool off and Justin and he has to focus more and more one his own issues, I have to work to remind myself of how much effort he put into pursuing me. It will take me time to get comfortable. And even that has it's dangers. I never want to take Justin for granted. I am so clingy. But I think that it was good for me to be without him this weekend. There is that fear that he will come back and say he is done with me. But I trust him. It is scary to trust that way, but I do. I know that he is going to come back from Corvallis and tell me that he misses me, and that he wants to see me, that he missed the sound of my voice, he missed how I smell, the taste of my lips, and how I cannot stop touching him.

Justin

I worry a great deal that I'm entirely too clingy. I've written him a love letter and I am always texting him. I tell him what time I take my lunch at and call him nearly without fail. We talk every night before who ever is going to bed first turns in for the night. We cannot seem to go more then a day or two without seeing each other. When I'm with him I'm constantly trying to be in contact with him. I don't care if it is just a hand on his shoulder while he drives, or playing with his hair, or touching his hand as he rests it on my thigh. I worry a great deal that I'm too clingy. I keep asking him if I am, and he keeps saying I'm not. I hope that I am not being too needy and or demanding. He makes me so happy. I feel so full and joyful when I am with him. I catch myself just gazing at him and feeling better about everything, feeling good about me, and about who I am. I don't want to lose him. I really, really hope that I'm not smothering him.

Justin

So I met his parents today, and it went very well. I rather like all of them. Laying in on his uncomfertible futon after dinner, holding him and being held, I think it really hit me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love looking at his face. And I love listening to him talk. I think about him all the time, and I can tell that I'm always on his mind too.

I wrote him a love letter email and sent it to him last night to help me calm down before going to sleep, and it worked so wonderfully. Well he LOVED it. And now I guess he is going to write something for me. But I am going to be out done. He is talking about needing to wait for insparationa and oh, oh my I cannot catch my breath. I'm just so happy.

I'm feeling sort of sleepy so I'm not going to talk too much right now. But I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

Justin

So he brought me flowers. Not only that, he was happy to come and get me from work for the joy of getting to talk to me for the fifteen minuets it takes to get me home. I really, really think that I'm in love with him. I can't get him off of my mind, and he makes me feel so absolutly wonderful all the time. I've never dated someone so responcible and attentive.

He worries about all sorts of things. Many of them have to do with myself and our relationship. He wants to do everything with me, but says he fears what that can do to people. He does not ever want to take me for granted, or to have the trust issues that can spawn from constantly being with someone and then not being able to for whatever reason. This is due to a prior serious relationship that spaned several years. Sarah. I have a feeling that most of his odd concerns, the things that he worries about, when it comes to relationships, are her doing.

It makes me wonder how things will platue out. We have moved rather quickly. I have a big grin on my face while I think of thursday night. We made love. It was not the slow and passinate love making that I want from him, but I know that is on it's way. But what I am really in the dark about is where things go from here. I live with Erin at her Parents and cannot have him over for the night here, and he is rooming with his twenty year old brother at his parent's place. I guess though that it is going to be cool for me to stay the night sometimes.

That brings us to tomorrow. I have been invited over by his mother for dinner. And I guess she already like me. Same with his brother Alex, I called him and his friends newbs for playing Morowind on the X-box. I guess that makes me cool. His mom thinks I'm cool cause I am a care giver, and because Justin thinks I am. -dies- I mean this is a lot to live up to. And I have to wait all day for it. It's dinner, that means like sometime between five or seven. I have to make it all that way without going crazy. -bangs head against wall-

Justin

He worries. He worries about eveything. I don't know how I got this lucky. He puts up with my ramblings, even late at night when he should be asleep. He so enjoys me. I want to hold him and touch him all the time. There is never enough time in which I am in contact with him, or that we are talking. I adore the sound of his voice, his laugh, and he little non-verbal noises. He is always joking, though at the same time he can be very serious. But his humor is dry, and can be cutting if he so chose to weild it. He is very smart and witty, and knows it well. Though at the same time he is very modest, and yet he does not think poorly of himself. All these wonderful checks and balances.

I want to keep him forever and ever. We have each started to make little promises, tiny little comments here and there. It is so soon, everything between us has happened so fast. And I try to imagine living without him, and it is like imagining life without my Erin. He is a part of me now, and I know that it is the same for him. I to make him happy, his smile is such a wonderful and completely fofilling reward.

I love him.

Justin - Poem

What do lovers say when they're not lovers?

Or when it is all but said?

What is there for me to do or say to make my feelings known?

How can I convey the feeling I get when you look at me?

That pleasant rolling in my stomach when you touch me?

Or how much I long to kiss you, not only your lips but your cheeks,

the corners of your eyes and the place behind your ears,

and the tops of your shoulders down to the hollow of your elbows and the tips of your fingers across the broad expanse of your back and turning you over

so that I might linger for a moment at your chest,

delighting in your smooth skin as I kiss down your stomach and the sides of your hips

asking you with a grin on my face to roll over again so that I might lavish your small behind

with the same attentions,

then it would be down to the backs and insides of your thies,

lifting your legs so that I can layer kisses over every inch, even the tops and bottoms of your feet.

Such silly little notes scribbled like this in an ardent haste and longing so sharp it is nearly a need made real and alive in my flesh for you, for your nearness.

Forgive these simple undecorated words,

they are all I have and they fail to capture the fullness of my feelings,

to truly express my admiration and desire for you.

And even though they are not worth, just like myself they are your's for the taking.

Jeremy

Jeremy and I might just have everything worked out ><

Justin

So I am a hopless blond. I said Jeremy's name while I was getting it on with Justin. ::headdesk:: This is a place holder. I should write more here but I cannot think right now.

Jeremy-Justin

Jeremy is being a douche bag. He is bring up fights from months ago and claiming to feel completely back stabbed. I know that things are going to come to a head between us and I am ready to have the tension completely gone. I do not want to cut him out of my life, but if he is going to be cruel then I cannot continue to give him my time and energy.

Justin thinks I should just be done with Jeremy. He was a little cranky, only very slightly, about it last night. I felt as though he might even be a bit disappointed in me in regards to this, and I could not handle that. He reassured me, but it is not something that I am willing to risk. I adore him, and I want so much for him to be proud of me, to be able to live up to this image he has of me.

This cannot continue. Jeremy has been disrespectful of Erin, Zimmie, myself, and now of Justin and my feelings for him. There is only so much farther he can push me.

His song - Jeremy

Almost lover by A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Jeremy-Justin

Jeremy is gay, or so he says. I don't know. I'm not sure what I believe. I do know that my dear friend loves me, and that he is jealous. He doesn't have to want to be sexual with me to want to be the most important man in my life.

Jeremy doesn't like Justin cause of WoW? That is bullshit. He is baseing his opinion off of Justin's choice in character race and class. It is bullshit. He has played both sides and is now trying to be all pro-Horde as if he had never played the Allince. Jeremy needs to take his head out of his ass. The lest he could do is be honest with himself. But he is just not very good at that.

How can he be gay if he is attracted to me? Was he lying? This is just stupid confusing.

See that? Right there! He flirted with me and admited that he finds me attrative, I mean wtf is going on!? Because here we have it, the epic disscussion in which he admits to me that he is a homosexual . . . . .

That is the begining of it, once I get on the phone with Justin and am able to get some information out of him it resuemes . . . .

So here we see him insulting my boyfriend for no reason what so ever, and then denying that he is jealous, yeah right. Things continue to get heated and he finaily gets tired of my not rising to his bait. And then loses his nerve. Let us return . . . .

There you have it, right fucking there! Does he not contridick himself? Stupid fucking boy. He is still in love with me, and that is fine, if he would fucking admit it. It is just so hurtful of him to play with me like this. But I don't think he understands, not really. It is not that I doubt him being attracted to men, but that he feels nothing romantic or sexual for me. The things that we have shared, and the things that we have told each other, the way he acts towards me, it all points to his feeling possive of me. And to a certain point that is alright, he is like a deffencive brother. and I love Jeremy, so I can take it. It is the fucking bullshit games that drive me insane. I want him to be happy, weather it is with a man or a woman, I just want him in my life and happy. But I am not sure how long this can go on. I am not going to tolerate senceless hate and rudness towards Justin. I would have delt with it when dating Pete or Andrew, but not my sweet Justin.

Fuck Jeremy. No matter what he has been to me, no matter how much he cares for me, if he cannot be happy for me then I do not need him. Justin is the best thing that has ever happened to me save for meeting Erin. And I am not giving either of them up. Erin tolerates Jeremy, but Jeremy is always fucking stiring shit, and I'm really on my last nerve.

I'm trying to calm down and let it go. we had a good friendly chat after that, he is still being an ass about WoW, but calmed down, was civilish. God it just pisses me off. I give and I give, and all he sees is that I'm happy and he isn't. I can tell that he has felt crummy, it happened when he got out of spring term, all he is doing is sitting in his room play WoW. He has one online class, and I doubt he gets out of the house even once a week now. He had quit WoW for a few months and was feeling better, now he is back on it and back in the rut. ::shakes head:: I just want to strangle him, I love him so much. Stupid fucking boy.

If he isn't careful he is going to push me away, far away, forever.

Insecure - Justin

So I am dating this new man. And he is wonderful. I keep listing all his wonderful qualities, and I just cannot believe how absolutely wonderful he is. I have to struggle to find anything negative to say about him. 1) He is a bit over weight, 2) He wears an icky sweet sharp musk, 3) He likes to watch sports sometimes. It is easy to see that these are not very big issues. Issues one and two are things that can be changed. Justin is very excited to try and lose weight with Erin and I. As far as the Cologne or deodorant or whatever, I am sure that if I asked him he would tell me what it was and would be more than willing to pick a new scent. Issue three . . . well maybe I could watch a ball game or two, it doesn't seem all that bad really, not when I think of doing it with him.

So Justin is amazing, and I cannot think of enough good things to say about him. He is smart, successful, literary, kind, thoughtful, considerate, handsome, confident, tender, open, and desiring of myself. This man thinks the world of me, and I am terrified that he is going to get to know me and think that I am stupid, that I have not done anything worth while with my life, and that I am a waste of his time. He started working at fourteen, for no other reason than that he wanted to be able to buy his own video games. I mean seriously! I did not even get my GED tell I was nine-teen and then did not work tell I was nearly twenty.

Justin has done so much with his life, he has traveled, worked for several different companies, many times more than one at a time, and he has donated his time to the One-Child-One-Computer project. I mean for goodness sakes! What am I compared to any of this?

When is he going to wake up and see that he could do so much better than me? When is he going to really see the sad scared lost young woman that I am? He tells me that he is so glad that I have it so together, and I feel like it is all a lie. I have nothing together, nothing! I feel like a fake, and I feel my heart jump when he talks about his female friends.

I want him to hang out with them, I want him to do everything that makes him happy. I trust him. But I worry. Because I do not feel worthy of him, and there for I worry that perhaps something might happen even though I trust him. It is craziness, I know it is just the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head, but I cannot stop it.

There is a part of me, as I write this, that thinks I should tell him this. There is another part of me that wants to break it off already, before it has even been a week, before I see him again, before he can make me love him anymore. I am just so terrified that he is going to say, "Gee, sorry Heather. Your a great gal, but I want to be with someone who has done something with herself, someone who has a plan. We can still be friends you know." Goddess Sake I live in such fear of it! See, the issue is that I am already falling for him.

I have been more reserved then Justin, he has practically declared his love. It was he who decided that the casual dating game was not going to work, it was he who insisted that we 'go steady', that he could not stand to be without me. The more he talks to me, the more I think of him, the stronger I feel. Just sitting here writing this I feel my heart swelling to think of him, of the way he touches me. I have never been so adored, so desired, so treasured. I never want it to end, I want to be his, I want to give myself to him utterly and completely. I cannot think of anyone else that could ever make me feel this way, anyone. I cannot imagine that there will be anyone else.

It is not like with Jeremy where I felt desperate and unlovable. No. I know that I have some worth, that there are those who would desire me. I do not doubt that I am worthy of love, and that my love is worthy of being given. What I doubt is weather or not I am worthy of Justin, this most wonderful man. Goddess help me to be.

work in progress - Justin

Sneaking up
sensations and curiosity
they slither and surprise
there is simply no way
no possibility
No slight chance
nothing for it
in the end
we must simply surrender
and in the act
we might find some solace
though I have been bitten
and found that men
are crueler then
their smile want me to believe
There is nothing for it though
If my heart has chosen
there is no way to refuse it

Jeremy

You told me one of the reasons you loved to talk to me, that you thought you were falling in love with me, was because you had not felt depressed, not a moment since you started talking to me. It has started to get harder for you to talk. I have noticed it. I know that it is hard, that this is scary, and that the old sad feelings are coming back. That is how it is. I can shake you out of it for a time, show you the light, help you come up for air. But I cannot change you, or undo what has been done to you, or make your life any differnt.

All I can do is be here, friendly text on the monitor, a concerned voice on the phone, someone who cares and worries about you. That is all I can be. I would be warm arms, soft lips, and anything else you could ask of me, but the space, the distance between us in years and miles is so great. I often wonder which is the bigger issue. I wish that I could do more for you, that I could negate all the things in our way. If there was some way for me to let you know that I care, that I honestly care, and not just to tell you, or show you, but to have you know that it is an undenible truth, I would do anything to make it happen.

You are so important to me, so dear and treasured. I dare not push. Someone has to love you enough, understand you enough, to respect your space. So even though I want to force you to talk, to share, I will sit here and type where I know you will never see it. I love you, weather as a friend or other wise, I love you. You are worthy of love. You have every right to feel everything that you feel, and no need to apologize for any of it.

I often feel as though I am failing you. That there is something, or many somethings that I should be doing to reach out to you, to give you some of the strength you need. But I cannot seem to find it, cannot figure it out. I hope that simply in being your friend, in being available to you for anything, day or night, that I help in some way. You are so precious to me.

Jeremy

You tell me to write. I want you. I love you. I need you. And I hate you for it. How dare you make me fall for you. I told you what would happen. I begged you to listen. Couldn't you hear my heart breaking in my laugh? You are going to ruin me, going to bring me so low. But I cannot fight it, cannot deny it. I want you. I wanted you from the moment I heard your voice, your sweet sunshine filled voice.

Why won't you let me in? Why do you have to fear me? All I want is to hold you, hold you tight and never let go. Goddess bless the distance. It is the only thing that keeps me from doing the stupid romantic things I want to do. I wish I could show you my heart, cut it free of my chest and give it to you gift wrapped. Would you treasure it? Most of me thinks that you would, but there is that logical part of my mind that says you are a coward.

A young coward. A wonderful young coward. A funny wonderful young coward. A smart funny wonderful young coward. A gentle funny wonderful young coward. A caring smart funny wonderful young coward.

I want to forget you. Forget that I can feel so good.

I wish you understood. It is not always like this. It hurts. Oh god it hurts. When you let someone in and they turn you away, when they tell you that your love is not enough, it is not what they wanted, it does not go with their completion. Have you ever been so completely denied? Has anyone ever cut you so deeply you wished that you could just bleed out and die? It is not the same as hating yourself. Have you ever loved yourself and been told that you are not good enough? Have you ever looked in the mirror in the morning and thought about how good you feel, how everything is going to go your way, and then walked up to that person who you trust, who is supposed to love you and have them cut you to pieces? How can you understand my fears? How can you understand the eagerness and the dread?

I want you. I love you. I need you. And I hate you for it. I want to forget you. I do not want to let you in. I do not want to give you that sort of power, but here you are and you will be loved. You horrible little coward. You will be loved, no matter how I try to lie and make you something you are not, you will be loved. You are so brave, so damned brave and honorable. You are so good.

Jeremy

Why does it have to be so Goddamned hard? I am doing my best not to tease Jeremy over much, but there is that part of me that is a flirt, and that take a great deal of joy in listening to him fight with his desire. I want him to want me, I want it so badly I can taste it.

I spend a fair ammount of time fantizing about what it would be like to pick him up at the airport, which assumes that he would be coming to visit me at some point. I play it through a million differnt ways in my mind every day. I am so hopless.

Last night I showed Jeremy my power outfit. I had dressed up due to the fact that I was going to see Tim to get Erin's DDR pads back. So I put my web cam on and did a turn around and showed Jeremy that one could see the top of my thie highs through the torn wholes in my sexy jeans. Later on I teasingly commmented that I had gotten out of the jeans and was lounging in my undies, shirt and thie highs. This got him wimpering a bit, reminding me that he wanted pictures of me. I really wanted to take one for him, nearly did. But we are doing this friend thing.

Today it got brought up after he and I had been talking for a while. See I had left a certain video open on my computer and squeeled and laughted at myself about it. Jeremy could not let it go, he wanted to know what I was talking about. I finally confessed that I like to listen to him moaning my name, that I had been doing it earlyer that day, and well that got things headed in the wrong direction. I could tell by the tone, the timber of his voice that he was touching himself. He was begging me to make him another video of myself, one of myself in thie highs for him. I want to. I nearly gave into having phone sex with him. I went out to grab my vibe and webcam, but when I came back to the room I told him I had to go and turned of voice chat.

I scream sobbed into my pillow for a few minuets, it is really hard for me to turn him away. I want Jeremy so bad. But I need to respect the boundries he and I HAVE to have at this point. He knows it too. Once he was alone with himself and had sated his passions he came back to himself and knew that I had done the right thing. I am glad he finished because I am weak, and if he had moaned at me again I would have caved. He admited to me that he looks at the picturse and the videos I have sent him still. And it makes me feel warm and hot and needed. I want him.

I really do think god is laughing at me.

Casual Sex

My friend Alan is hurting rather badly. He is young, only 19ish, and has only had one true romance, while he has dallied with one other woman. His experience is rather slim, having only made love the one, and he has a healthy appetite for such things. The woman of his affections is firmly out of his grasp and so he is looking in all the wrong places for some relief. I feel for him deeply, it is well known that I have a weakness for the flesh, but I could not believe that he asked me for sex. Not after all my comments about believing that sex should be saved for love and what not. I did flirt with him a bit, he is a handsome young man and I am not about to say otherwise, but I never once offered any sort of comfort save for a hug.

It is odd to me that such a thing would be asked of me. I guess I do not see myself as being the sort of girl a guy would want to just sleep with for a night. I am not all that attractive really, yeah big tits and all, but I am heavy. I know I am not overly so in many men's eyes, but I am over weight, and I am not classically lovely. It was very flattering to be asked, especially by someone that I have coveted in the past, but I cannot break my morals so utterly. I am not sure he and I would be able to be friends afterwards and that is what really bothers me.

Aside from the fact that I think I am saving myself for Jeremy. It is stupid and silly, but I am willing to wait. I am not going to be dating anyone for alest another five months anyway so what do I lose by waiting around and flirting with the boy I believe myself in love with? It is rather silly still. I have turned down sex in part because of him now. I wonder if I should talk to him about it or not? ::sigh::

guilt

I feel drained and useless. I should be a better friend. And I cannot even bring myself to express it all. I post here in secret away from prying eyes. I am a coward. I should know better by now, she should be more important. Yet I wronged her. I wonder if one can truly make amends, if there is a way to right wrongs.

Jeremy

What does he know about want or desire? he has never felt what it is to be held, to be looked on with supposed adoration. I have come so close to being really loved. I can nearly taste the sweetness of it, but am always left with a mouth full of rotten flowers. I just want to kiss his bearded cheek and hold him close. It hurts so bad.

It hurts.

I hurt.

The wanting never gets any easier. I can feel the empty place inside of me where he should be. And it is not between my legs, but deep within my chest, in that place that is neither real nor imagined. I need him in my soul. I need him to make me whole. How can I be so certain of him? He had never even looked me in the eyes. Never even smelled my hair or dared to reach for my hand.

There is so much standing in the way. I just want to hold him, cradle his head on my chest and hum softly. But if I tell him then I am pushing, and I push on him all the time. He needs time and space, he is so young. And I am so impatient. I have already been stupid, already betrayed and lied for lust. My life was not strained and full enough of drama, I had to reach out to a hated man, and touch him with the passion I long to shower on my boy, my Mochroi. I yearn so strongly that I am likely to lose that which I desire.

The only asnwer is the one I fear most; I should stop talking to him. What do I gain by this game? He is never going to come to me, and I cannot go to him. I want him so baddly. I lay here with tears in my eyes as I type this. I want to fight for him. But some battles cannot be won with gun fire, and I am the poorest sort of general. I am lead around by my passions and desires, no logic can guild me, no light house can bring me safly home, I am sure to crash and smash myself on the rocky shores of lusty need and desire. There is nothing that I can do, nothing.

Why do I torture myself this way? Why cannot I be strong for once and accept that life is unfair. I have found the man that could make me happy and I can never even touch him. I should give up. I want to. The longer I hold on the more I am going to hurt. I need to let go. There are no happy endings, I am not sleeping beauty or Belle, reality is final and cruel. But I love him, and I cannot stop. I wish he had never told me, I wish I had told him then, I wish that I had told him to come, not to think about it just to come. I wish I had not paid him a moments attention.

I want to hold him. I want to tell him that he is wonderful and handsome and loved, loved forever and ever. I want to adore him and make him feel like a God amoung men. I want to laugh at his jokes and kiss the corners of his eyes. I want to worship at his feet and wake up to see the drowl on his pillow, blushing as I wipe at what is at the corner of my own mouth. I want to make right all that is wrong with him, to complete him and fufill him the way I know he can for me.

I never thought I could feel this way again. I feel so small and imperfect, so useless and stupid. And yet when he says I am beautiful I believe him, I really believe him. He makes me beautiful, takes away the stains and makes me pure all with a few typed words. I want him to read this, and I am hidding it. I cannot share it, cannot push. I should not talk to him anymore. I should give up and pray that whatever deity there is delivers him someone who can actually do for him all the things I want to do. I should say good-bye.

Tim

I went over to Tim's. It was fun, a bit relaxing. There is some tension there, most likely of my own making, but still it was nice. I can see what Erin so enjoyed about him, but I do not find myself caught up in him. I am not enchanted by him, cannot see myself desireing him in any way. I am lonely and long to be wanted and touched. It was nice to let him put his arm around me, but I felt no drive to take anything else, no excitement, only a slight worry that I might have to slap him for touching my breast. But he proved to be a gentleman, so there was no issue.

His friend Sierra came over. She seems nice enough, but I can tell that she is a bit of a drama whore. She is much freer with her sexuality then I am, and that is saying something. I was propositioned by her, and Tim confirmed in the car that she is attracted to me. I am flattered but she is not my sort of woman. I am drawn to innocence and this girl is most asuredly not that. It was nice to have someone be so instantly taken with me though, but still I can see the gleam of her claws, and the edge of her maturity. I would not mind being friends with her, but I would never hold her close to my heart, of that I am certain.

I was not attracted to Tim when he was dating Erin, I was not attracted to him when I was pissed at him, and I do not believe that I am attracted to him now. I feel no spark, no drive, no excitement. He is a nice person, and has a calming soothing air to him, I would like to hang out with him more, but I cannot ever see myself wanting more then that for so many reasons. He and Erin have a history, and I will always chose my sister. Also it is very likely that if Sierra wanted him he would go to her even if he and I were dating, and I am not alright with that thought. I have low self esteme and would never be able to reconcile that. And he is not a virgin, srsly.

A Return

I moved out.

I got a new job.

I broke up with Pete.

I vowed not to date for six months.

I fell for someone that I am not sure I can ever even meet.

I just want to be held.